it's messy in here / i am / sorry

i am working on building a steady heart. i am working on it. i promise, i swear, i am. i'm waking up each morning. i am. it's hard work, it's bloody work, it's bloody hard work. but i am. every morning. i keep on. the mud is thick in this part of the forest, but i'm keeping on. i am getting discouraged, i'm becoming weary, every second, but i am pressing on. i am trying. i am i am i am. my bones ache. i think they ache for something. or someone. or something. i don't know. i don't have as many words as i would like, anymore. or maybe they're just in hiding. i wish i could hide, too. under the flowers. under the dirt, cradled in the soft, soft earth. i wish. but i can't. i am stuck out in the open. maybe that's better for me. to have nowhere to go but out and up. i am not sure who i am. i'm not sure where i'm going. i'm scared, a little. maybe terrified. see, i don't like not knowing. i'm in a transition phase. i wish i could explain it. i wish i had more words. i wish i had a better understanding of myself. i wish i knew where each day is taking me. i'm sorry. i am. i'm sorry. my mind is a mess. i'm sorry. let me dust these small insecurities under the rug. just let me gather up all the half-ideas that lost their right side. it will only take me a moment. excuse the mess. i'm sorry. this probably doesn't make any sense. of course it doesn't. i'm not sure if it was supposed to. i have a lot of words. it's been a while since i've released any. so here's the wild. here are my seeds. here's my blood. here's my barren bones. i'm not sure where this is supposed to go. i'm sorry. i'm trying to get somewhere. i don't know where. but i want to get away from where i am. maybe that's where the minutes are taking me. i'm sorry. i'm trying. i am. i'm trying. it's just a little harder for me. i'm trying.