x x x

 

 and in the dark of night we will plant a stake
in concrete rubble and ashes
proclaiming FEAR HAS NO PLACE HERE.

stating our name as I HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR

and I WILL GO ON

because this dark, it's not going to take us over.
we are going to wield the shadows
and turn lungs-searching-for-air, confused minds,
into battle cries
of HOPE 
    and LIFE.

this night isn't the end, friend.
this is the starting line.

the practice of giving thanks

the practice of giving thanks for each
breath
is a habit both hard and simple
it first takes noticing each
inhale and exhale
feeling lungs expand
leaves tremble
it's a skill formed after time and time again
most refined when lost, then found again

be sure to practice, both thanks, and giving

(thank You for this chest and heart and breath and feeling)

we won't give up on hope, on life

it's so easy to let the weight on our shoulders weigh down our hope,
to let the shadows blow out the lights in our eyes;
it's faster to fade into dark hollow islands
than to stay out in the sunshine
where the air is warm, breeze - gentle, cool -
and hands held up high together;
staying together is hard, filling lungs with air, even harder,
but i want you to know a little secret -
we're not going to give up on hope.
we won't allow that to happen -
ever;
hope will win this battle.
we just have to remain conscious to celebrate with eyes wide open
and hearts deep screaming joy.
stay with us. stay with me.
don't give up this fight.

august 01 / broken / ocean

like a wave that loses it's grandeur when it hits the ocean floor
so my heart was when you left it
but
like the ocean when the moon calls her name toward shoreline
and borders
so my heart surged with life, with power, on strings of chains broken

secret / garden / listen

someday all you're broken pieces will be put back together and there won't be a hint of pain in your heart and your scars will fade and you won't be able to contain all your joy and your soul will overflow with an abundance of life and through storm or sunshine you will learn how to thrive but until then you gotta keep pressing on and pressing on and pressing on and pressing on and fighting and learning and listening and falling and breaking so that the light can shine through your cracked skin into the secret garden nesting in your chest, so that gentle raindrops can dance with the parched ground, so that you can finally bloom when spring rolls around; listen: can you hear that? that's the sound of birds singing a love song to you, that's the sunlight waltzing through the canopy trees, that's your heart beating again.

//

TETELESTAI

it is finished.

upon the cross, His breath gave up for us - an offering -
this blood poured out as a covering, pure and holy,
distress and destruction and confusion consuming
the hearts of His beloved creation, now washed away and made
wholly His through torn up flesh, carried on weighed
down shoulders. though death did part us, it holds no power
now, for this war waged in hell was won with victory
in life on earth and in heaven above, now neither the
valley nor the mountain can separate the sick and dying
and dead from the Father above. THROUGH HIS DEATH
AND HIS RESURRECTION, THE DEAD CAN BE MADE
ALIVE. halleluiah, death is defeated, powerless, the grave
can't contain His holiness - present tense, forever tense - His love too
strong to stay buried, dormant. He is living, He is breathing,
He is healing, He is seeking, His grace an ocean for us to sink in.
our great Lover met us while we were still sinners and laid His life down,
lifted up His soul, to build a bridge, a ladder, a rope, an emergency rescue,
out of death and into the arms of the Living Father. now we
can stand in victory, breathe the breath of the Living, through the
death of sweet Love incarnate, God in flesh. His blood red like our red,
His heart broken like our broken, His cry out to heaven for our sake,

tetelestai
IT IS FINISHED.

february 01 / on the corner of twenty one and hope

i've sat down to write about mental health and my brain and life and whatnot countless times the last few months, but i haven't been able to manage words worth sharing. they'd always turn out sounding like grainy, complacent white noise, or they'd just form a ridiculous, overgrown flower garden crosshatched with bunny trails. it's ironic, that the thing i wanted to write most about was the very same thing making it so. horribly. difficult. to. write.
but, the other night, at an ungodly hour - somewhere around 2:00 in the morning - i was sitting on my bedroom floor because i couldn't sleep and also because my puppy was knocked out and taking up my whole bed and also because i like sitting on the floor sometimes, and i looked over at my desk chair - it's this old chair that i think was my grandmother's or something at some point, we've had it for forever; it's plain, and simple, and made of wood. anyway, i was looking at it, and i noticed something i had forgotten about: knife marks on the edge of the seat, on the back of the chair.
i counted them.
twenty one.
there are twenty one marks.
i had forgotten about them.
they made their home there a long time ago, early last year, if i remember correctly. so, roughly a year ago. there are twenty one scars on the back of that chair; twenty one times where i took a blade to wood instead of skin.

and so i sat there, feeling the carved wood, feeling each slash carefully, reverently - remembering who and where and what i was when i put those marks there. and recognizing who and where and what i am now, a year later. the two images are, well... they're different. so different. i sat there and contrasted the two versions of self and all i could think of was hope.



hope. life. recovery. those words were so impossible, so big, to me a year ago. they felt foreign and unattainable. i had been suspended in a pit surrounded by darkness and loneliness, trapped in the deep end, suffocating, drowning, for so long. i didn't know anything else. and yet, somehow, i got out of it. i escaped the forest, covered in ashes and a little burned, but i got out. i still trip over some stray roots, i still get scratched and bruised by the Things inside my head, and sometimes the voices of Fear are louder than Truth's, but Hope doesn't leave me so often anymore. and Life likes to visit more frequently. Recovery's honesty isn't as scary and impossible and hard to swallow.



today, i slept in really late. like, "i got out of bed at 1:00 in the afternoon and had no idea where i was and mom is gonna kill me," late. unfortunately, Sleep still doesn't like me. but, i woke up to clear skies, to a perfect, gentle breeze, to sunshine, to a high of 71°. it was beautiful. i opened my windows up wide and washed the dishes and watered my plants (i have eight plant babies now, they're my loves) and wrote a love letter to a friend and read about the Blood of Christ and worked on a talk on Perfect Love i'm going to give later this month and i felt at peace. just honest, simple, peace. i'm graduating high school in seventeen weeks. i'm looking at jobs and college and apartments and traveling. i'm planning coffee dates and concert dates with new friends and old ones. i felt the wind dance through my window screen and blow my hair about and i thought about those marks on the back of the chair i was sitting in, and how different this self is, how far i've come. i didn't plan on making it this far; i didn't plan on graduating or calling some of the most incredible human beings my friends or experiencing true Love or feeling happy or knowing what really living is like. i honestly didn't think i'd make it this far.
but.
i did make it. my lungs are still filled with His breath and my heart still dances to His song and i'm thankful. simply, genuinely, thankful. and happy.

and all of that to say,
there is hope.
always.
always always always.
there is hope.
it gets better. i swear to God, it gets better.

don't give up yet, baby.
there is hope.

you'll see me tomorrow because / nspw 2015

          

you'll see me tomorrow because of all of the sunrises and sunsets i have yet to see. because of emily and eqiii and jacob and cole and kayla and jake and mom and dad and veronica and mike and alex and all the people i love, the people that care about me. because of all the kids i need to love on, inspire, care for, and teach; because of all of the good books, good movies, good music i have yet to discover; because concerts and worship and plays and musicals and pizza and kittens and donuts and ice cream cake and birthdays (all the birthdays); because wearing cute dresses just for fun, because dresses with pockets; because sunflowers and dark chocolate and teddy bears and pillow pets and freshly washed sheets and towels straight from the drier and oversized sweaters and hot showers and new notebooks and silly stickers and red lipstick and handwritten letters and laughing so hard tears stream down your face and fireworks on the fourth of july and jumping into the deep end and searching for seashells by the seashore and pens that do your handwritting some justice and campfires and s'mores with your favorites and thanksgiving dinner and warm, safe hugs and finding your home. because there's a whole damn big world out there that i haven't laid eyes on yet i haven't touched yet i haven't smelled yet i haven't heard yet, and there are 7 billion people i need to say 'hi' to give hugs to smile at; because of all the stupid silly gifts i need to give my friends that turn into inside jokes that last a lifetime; because i have so much love left to give; because there is an infinite spring inside me full of sunshine and love and hope that needs some help breaking free; because even though just the thought of getting out of bed every morning hurts like hell, God has a purpose and a plan, so much bigger and brighter than my pain, that hasn't even started yet; a plan made of healing and hope and growth and love and life. and all that's just scratching the surface of why you'll see me tomorrow.


This week is National Suicide Prevention Week, and today is World Suicide Prevention Day.
For more info on NSPW, visit here. 
For more info on We’ll See You Tomorrow, TWLOHA’s annual NSPW/WSPD awareness campaign, visit here.

self-care

lying on the floor

will take away the pain for

a moment, but not

an eternity.

you cannot let your pieces

stay strewn on concrete

forever. so pick

yourself up off rock bottom

and remember Love -

for Love never left

you, Love will never leave you,

Love will always hold

you in His hand.

you are not alone in this

struggle. you are known.

      

Dear [ insert your name here ]

DEAR [ anyone: lost in the sea of self-hate, doubt, struggling to find worth in themselves, fighting against the dark, lost sight of life ],

FIRST, can I take a moment to say that life is ugly? I think we can all agree on that truth, right? Life is as ugly as the hell that burns below. It is a high and tormenting fire, it is overflowing with death, chaos, loved ones gushing out lies, panic, destruction, broken bones, misconceptions, lost jobs, lost loves, lost lives. Evil, lurking, everywhere you turn. Shadows keep watch behind you, in front of you, inside of you.
This is life.

NOW, can I just make another, and very important, point? Because the fact is, as messy and ugly as life can be, it is also beautiful. Plainly, simply, beautiful.

Beau·ti·ful
adjective │ Wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying; possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; excellent of its kind. 

LIFE is beautiful. It offers us the chance to dream big dreams, to love so deeply the ocean becomes jealous, to love simply, to forgive and let go, to soar great heights, to dive haunting depths, to face fears of every size, to conquer challenges, to experience the connections of souls. Use the time you have to notice the excellence of every heartbeat and cloud and leaf and breeze and raindrop and rose and dandelion and human and soul and laugh and sob and hug and language and film and flavor and kiss and kitten and friend and color and sound. Enjoy it all, every second of it. Remind yourself that existing is beautiful. Write life is beautiful! on neon sticky notes and paste them all over your bedroom walls, desk, mirror, chair, bed frame; schedule pop-up reminders on your phone letting you know that every breath you harbor in your lungs and gracefully release into the wild blue of the invisible is beautiful and worth the pain; hike up a mountain, feel the ache in your bones, and yell at the top of your lungs this life is so worth living! because it is and every living and inanimate thing should know.

LIFE is made of light and dark. It will take you to high places, and it will knock you down, battered, bruised, with your face in the mud. You will be pounded, blow after blow after blow, blood trickling down your temple, and you will heal. You will grow stronger, taller. You will tuck this experience under the belt secured around your waist. You will encourage others, when they ask about the stories behind your scars, that you are living proof that every single person is strong enough and brave enough to fight and win the many fights they have/will face against mind/body/world.

AND, baby, you are going to need to fight for your dreams. Dream big, dream LOUD, and fight strategically, fight hard. Remember, whenever darkness hits in any form, your words stand as your sword, swing them swiftly. Remember, you have two hands, learn to wield them effectively. Your dreams are worth the fight it will take to bring them to reality. Do what you have to. If someone tears you down because of your soul-dream, cut them out of your life as soon as you can, don't apologize. You do not need to give them a reason why. If they refuse to support you, they aren't worth your energy. Find people that support you. Befriend people with the same infectious smile, and brighten up the world together. If you love someone, let them know. Let them know now. Remember that mental illness is a flaw in chemistry, not a flaw in character, this darkness will end. Do what scares you, but within reason. If you're lost, seek help. Find your Northern Star and keep on 'til the golden morning light warms your skin. Learn the difference between healthy fear and crippling anxiety. Try new things, meet new people, speak love, speak life, be the person you needed to breathe life into your suffocating heart when you were younger. Remember, your worth does not lie in words. You exist, you are living, you are loved.

Let me say that again: you are loved.

LIFE is hard. 

Life sucks sometimes. 

Life is ugly.

Life is messy. 

Life can be hellish. 

But if there is hell, there has to be heaven.

With dark, comes light.

Every torrential downpour has to end.

With rain comes sunshine comes growth come recovery.

Keep fighting, wildflower. 

You will thrive.

With love.

xo

this is grace

It flows steady, steady, always steady; it is deeper and stretches farther than the sea. If you took its expanse and spread it out, nice and neat, it would wrap every galaxy together a trillion times over, and then some. It will quake the Earth, startle the great oaks, fall the mightiest man full of pride humble to his knees.

This is His grace.
It is stronger than the force needed to rip the Earth in half and it is more gentle than old lovers holding hands under the stars and it will drown you and it will carry you higher to places you have never been and this is the greatest mystery of the Gospel: that He would willingly shower this endless beauty on a race so unworthy.
He will bow to wash the feet of the murderous and will heal the deepest wounds gouged by time. On the worst of days He will wrap you in His arms and whisper truths into your ear until you can believe in your worth again. He will forgive and cleanse your soul of every hurt and wrong committed. His hands will make you new.
This is our Savior.
He is constant. He is the firm rock you can build your soul on and never worry once about the tsunami of life breaking you apart. His strong right hand holds yours and will never, ever, weaken His hold on you. He will walk with you in the dark, He will walk with you in the light.
This is His glory.
That He came and walked on the ground we trample, healed, saved. He lived, breathing our air. He taught and scolded and commanded and loved. He took nails to His flesh and bone, whips, drinking blood, salty tears, dripping sweat. Lungs collapsing, marrow tearing, flesh disappearing, IT IS FINISHED. Soul searching, saving, living.
This is His love.
The most magnificent, breathtaking, divine, enthralling, shocking, stunning, beautiful, captivating, sacrificial love that is completely obsessed with your heart.
He is King.

this is who you really are

you are stronger and more confidant than the world tells you.
you are amazing.
you are.
child, let me tell you, you will move mountains. one of these days - maybe tomorrow, maybe in a year, it might even be on the last day of your life, old and gray, i don't know - but someday, you are going to do something incredible. you might not think it is all that big at the moment, or ever when it is long over, but, you see, one tiny drop of water can move and change the surface of the whole ocean. you just living, choosing to continue breathing today, is world-changing.
do not let the world tell you who you are, because the world is full of liars and thieves out to steal your personality, your life, your happiness. do not allow them that satisfaction. instead, find those rare souls who will do anything to build you up with honest words and deep love. do not let your heart focus only on the negative. turn yourself around and look at all of the good. hey, you got out of bed this morning, and that is magnificent. the world is still revolving around the sun, and that's kind of a big deal, and hey, maybe your favorite band is releasing new music soon, or your favorite book is being turned into a movie, or you got accepted into that university you've dreamed of attending; your favorite tv show is continuing for another season, summer is almost here and everyone knows that summer makes you big-goofy-smile-happy, you got a new shirt/dress/ring/tie/pair of shoes today, the small local movie theatre is playing an old childhood movie with $1 tickets tonight, that obscure band you love has music on spotify now, your hair looks superb, you found your favorite ugly sweater that you thought you had lost forever but it was just buried in the back of your closet, the barista at that little coffee place on the street corner by your house gave you a compliment on your shoes (they are really super duper cool), your all-time-favorite-in-the-history-of-ever movie is on tv tonight, you've gone all week without harming your lovely arms, you actually made a decision today (chocolate or vanilla? chocolate), your winged eyeliner looked perfect today, you landed with both feet planted on the ground after taking that ginormous leap of faith, you kept down everything you ate today, the air was crisp and it felt good breathing it into your lungs - the list could go on and on and on.
see? there is good surrounding you everywhere, you just have to look. now don't you dare tell me there is nothing wonderful in your life, because that is a dead, lonely lie. love, i wish i could sit down with you and point out to you every little bit of happy in your life; there is so much, it's all over the place, nooks and crannies stuffed with something lovely, all for you to discover.
listen to your heart. listen hard. listen to that love and hope and encouragement and thump thump thump deep within your rib cage, flowing through your bones.
you are living.
you are awesome.
you are worthy.
you are loved more than you will ever know.
you are more than your mistakes and fears and bullies and peers and anxiety and pain and past.
you are lovely and joyful and courageous and inspiring and cool, calm, collected and light and a promising future.
you are.